Going...

 7.23.25

9am - I'm with Mom now. It's my second time today. Earlier I ran here to talk to Rachel, the night nurse. At 6:20 am, when I walked in her eyes popped open almost immediately. She was alert, restless, and trying to communicate with me and maybe others. She said "Mom" a few times. Also, I think I heard her say "it's my fault." Maybe? I don't know. I gave her some water. She kept moving her hands, tried sit up a couple of times, and eventually her right hand clutched her heart. I asked if she was in pain and she moaned. Rachel came in and she smiled. An extra dose of pain meds, for both physical and anxiety, and she was snoring within minutes.

I've been asked several times, "how are you doing?" 

Tired. I've never tried to grapple with so many emotions and for so many people at once.

Blaire, one of the social workers, said something to me that resonated. The death process is a lot like giving birth. Unexpected. Painful. Unique.

Please, Higher Power, let me die quickly. This ultra event of endurance is not for me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Her, Mom, & Me

She was a Her before me. She was Mom before I was born. I am nothing without both. Forty-two years ago, I was due. I envision my mom pacing the floor, anxious, nervous, but mostly excited. I was stubborn and kept her on her toes.  She became a mom the day she found out she was pregnant. I wish I knew exactly when that was. Maybe it was immediately after conception. Maybe it was months. Was she happy? Did she cry?  I know I couldn't possibly know every detail of her life, but I wish I did. I want to fill my memory, my brain with her story, her stories. How did she become who she ... was? How did she become so courageous, tough, and able to endure such pain - physical, mental, emotional? She shared some of her stories that rose enough to the top of her mind, for better or worse. I don't know if I want to know her legacy, her to be remembered by some of her most traumatic experiences. I know several of those. Was her diagnosis a manifestation of one of them? Depression passed dow...
Read more

I Hope You Dance

 7.24.25 It feels like a full day already and it's only noon. I didn't run this morning. Instead, I visited Mom early at 6:15 am. She was alert, eyes open, making noise, and moving her hands. I talked to her gently. Rachel reminded me to say what I need to every time I see her. She could be waiting or spiritually know I haven't said my peace. I'm so grateful for these amazing people. I told mom I love her and that she will always be with me. I also very explicitly said, "You will not be forgotten." One of her fears she shared with me early on in this journey. I told her she was beautiful and it reminded me of Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful" and so I sang it. She winced a little in the face when I began to croon. And I said, "you did not pass down your singing voice." We laughed together. it was short, but it was most definitely a "you got that right" kind of laugh. Then I put on "Always On My Mind" by Willie Nels...
Read more

Mother's Day

The last 2 weeks have been rough. My mom went from living independently to severe headaches to a stage IV cancer diagnosis in 11 days. She is living with us and will begin aggressive treatment on Tuesday. If there’s anything to be learned, it’s to enjoy every moment of joy. We have watched funny movies from our childhood, enjoyed ice cream, identified birds with the Merlin app, binged Four Seasons, eaten every meal together, taken scenic drives, visited Valley View Farms and the Dutch Market for flowers & pie, shared stories and photos, and have tough conversations about death. All this amidst doctors appointments, scans, lung biopsy, a trip to the ER, a scary fall and finalizing details of her will.  Mothers make the world go round. They give birth to us, raise us, and then they need us to be strong. I am so grateful for my mom for all she’s done for me, A LOT. She always put me first. She taught me to be kind and smile at everyone you meet because you never know what they’re ...
Read more