Her & Mom & Me

Arizona 2025: A Day in the Grand Canyon “For a little while we are again able to see, as the child sees, a world of marvels. For a few moments we discover that nothing can be taken for granted, for if this ring of stone is marvelous, then all which shaped it is marvelous, and our journey here on Earth, able to see and touch and hear in the midst of tangible and mysterious things-in-themselves, is the most strange and daring of all adventures.”  -Edward Abbey, Desert Solitaire Find friends who say YES! A bucket list National Park, a bucket list trail adventure, and some of the best kind of peer pressure led my dear friends, Lori and Karen, and I to reach out to another amazing strong friend, Amy, who had just completed this with her sister. And the planning begun… Our original plan was to conquer the infamous Rim to Rim to Rim hike in two days. We would hike down from the South Rim, across the base of the Canyon, and then hike up to the North Rim to stay a night at the North Rim Lod...

She was a Her before me. She was Mom before I was born. I am nothing without both. Forty-two years ago, I was due. I envision my mom pacing the floor, anxious, nervous, but mostly excited. I was stubborn and kept her on her toes.  She became a mom the day she found out she was pregnant. I wish I knew exactly when that was. Maybe it was immediately after conception. Maybe it was months. Was she happy? Did she cry?  I know I couldn't possibly know every detail of her life, but I wish I did. I want to fill my memory, my brain with her story, her stories. How did she become who she ... was? How did she become so courageous, tough, and able to endure such pain - physical, mental, emotional? She shared some of her stories that rose enough to the top of her mind, for better or worse. I don't know if I want to know her legacy, her to be remembered by some of her most traumatic experiences. I know several of those. Was her diagnosis a manifestation of one of them? Depression passed dow...

OBX holds a place in my heart. My first trip was with both of my parents for my 7th birthday even though they had been divorced since before my earliest memory. It was all I wanted, a beach trip with both of them and they made it happen. It was right after the Gulf War began. During the day we lounged on the beach and pool or go to the Foosball Palace (no longer exists) to play games and the juke box. At night, we were glued to the television. Then I'd return to Duck with my dad and his side of the family each June for many years. When Fiona turned 4 years old, the three of us began a new family tradition. Since then, we have been 8 times. Many years with our parents, Nick's siblings, and niece and nephew, including an evacuation during Hurricane Florence. This year it was different, for obvious reasons. My mom wasn't planning on going, but she had gone with us 4 of the recent trips. I knew this year's trip would be cathartic having endured the most challenging 4 months...

 7.27.25  This morning, I woke abruptly to a phone call at 3am from Gilchrist. It was Olivia, Mom peacefully passed away at 2:45am.  After visiting last night, I had a feeling we were in the final hours. Her breathing sounded painful but the nurse reassured me she's not in pain. They gave her a bath in case "she leaves us tonight." Fiona and I stayed up late watching "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close." An incredible story of a boy who loses his father (physically) in 9/11 but gains an adventure that would have made him proud and learning that everyone carries so much weight. It's lighter when we realize that and embrace one another. I called Dad as I left the house to head to Gilchrist. I texted Cathy, also.  Walking into Mom's Room No. 7, the air felt different, calm, sterile, lifeless. Her spirit had moved on. The physical being in front of me was not the wholeness of her, of Momma. Her eyes were slightly open, her lips turning pale, and her chest ....

 7.26.25 I'm here with Mom this morning. It's 6:42 am. She was bathed overnight and is moaning a lot. At first, I thought that she was trying to communicate but Sondra said she thinks "it's just her dying." I think they call it the "death rattle."  This is so heartbreaking - the loss of connection and communication with this and those in this world. I know this is part of the process but I didn't expect it to feel this gradual and this rapid at the same time. From her "Putting Your Faith Into Action Today!" book: July 26 FAITH IS... Keeping on-anyway "...he who endures to the end will be saved."  -Matthew 10:22 Today it's time to hang on to one powerful, positive word - endure! To endure means: "Inch by inch, anything is a cinch." To endure means: "There is no gain without pain." To endure mans: "I have to look at what I have, not what I've lost." Never make a negative decision in a down time....

 7.25.25 I am patiently waiting for the AC company to arrive to replace our HVAC system that broke last weekend. It's supposed to be 97 degrees and real feel of 110 degrees. So that's fun. Yesterday, I went back to visit mom just before dinner time. The books had been spread around the first floor. Nurses were holding a few, a few others by their mobile desks. Mom was alert and kept moving her left arm, so I moved to that side. We talked and something was telling me she may be using her arm to signal she wanted to give me a hug. So I asked, "are you trying to give me a hug?" Her eyebrows lifted, like she was saying "YES!" I carefully put my right arm under her neck and pressed my chest against hers and right cheek against her right cheek. I couldn't see the expression on her face, but she didn't make a sound. I was worried she had stopped breathing. I looked up and her right eye was teary, and she looked like that was just what she needed. We did alw...