Mary Lou's Birthday

 7.21.25

It's Mary Lou's birthday (my dad's mom). It's also Mary Lou's final days. She made it to her 73rd birthday on Friday and I do believe she felt that was a major milestone along her final journey. The past few days have been the hardest so far - although I find myself saying that over and over again. Her health and/or ability to hide her pain - physical, emotional, mental, psychological, and existential - has ended.

She has repeatedly told me and the nurses she's ready to die. On Saturday night, she texted me after not being able to use her phone to call. She was hungry, confused, didn't understand why "it" was taking so long. I brought her french fries even though she couldn't eat. She hasn't had a bowel movement in 12 days. I think she just wanted me to be there, and I sensed it. The night nurses have her something to help move things along and gave her a bed bath. Before I left, I told her I loved her, she did a great job raising me, that I am so lucky to have her as my Momma, that I'll never forget her, she'll always be a part of me, in my heart and through her wisdom of kindness, and that I'll be okay.

On Sunday, she admitted being in unbearable pain - so much she couldn't talk. She used her fingers to indicate an "8" on the pain scale. The nurse Julie talked to us about comfort care - upping pain meds and Lorazepam to help with anxiety and depression. She agreed. At that moment, I knew our time wouldn't be the same. And I was right.

"I'll Follow You Into the Dark" - Death Cab for Cutie

This morning, you slept. Looked peaceful but I could tell that you're winding down. You're wheezing. This afternoon, you winced and I gave you water from a sponge. You stared at the ceiling, before going back to a deep sleep, snoring. Mouth open.

"Do they know how good they have it?" - Momma

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