Our Final Hug

 7.25.25

I am patiently waiting for the AC company to arrive to replace our HVAC system that broke last weekend. It's supposed to be 97 degrees and real feel of 110 degrees. So that's fun.

Yesterday, I went back to visit mom just before dinner time. The books had been spread around the first floor. Nurses were holding a few, a few others by their mobile desks. Mom was alert and kept moving her left arm, so I moved to that side. We talked and something was telling me she may be using her arm to signal she wanted to give me a hug. So I asked, "are you trying to give me a hug?" Her eyebrows lifted, like she was saying "YES!" I carefully put my right arm under her neck and pressed my chest against hers and right cheek against her right cheek. I couldn't see the expression on her face, but she didn't make a sound. I was worried she had stopped breathing. I looked up and her right eye was teary, and she looked like that was just what she needed. We did always treasure our hugs.

After dinner (and a day spent) at Nick's parents painting, making deviled eggs, playing Monopoly, and watching Nana and Pop Pop take their inaugural trip on their new electric bikes, Nick and I stopped over to see Mom. He hadn't seen her since her birthday. She has changed a lot in 6 days. She was alert and we talked to her. I gave her some water, chapstick, and put on CMT Music Channel so she could listen to some of her favorite country hits. I could tell it was tough for Nick to see her like that. I'm happy he was there for me.

This morning, I woke up from a dream. I'm not sure exactly which dream because I had a few different scenes in my mind. However, this didn't feel like a dream. I felt a presence over me or next to me. I don't think I opened my eyes. I could smell something that reminded me of Mom. It felt so close and so strong and lingered a long time. I don't know how long it took me to drift back to sleep, but it was a solid few hours until I woke up to Nick's alarm clock. Lately, I've slept terribly. I'll wake up between 2-3am and then just lay awake with so many things running through my mind. My mom's smell calmed me though, and I was back to sleep.

I visited her a few minutes because I have to be home. The night nurse walked me out and told me that she knows my mom is ready to go on to the next world. Sondra said she'll go when she's ready and feels it will be on her own terms, so stay close to Gilchrist. She'll be back tonight. I ran home thinking I hope I'm not encouraging her to hang on by spending so much time with her. I don't think so because I tell her that I understand she needs to go through her own journey and that "I'll be ok." All I can do is have faith we are still communicating on a deeper level even if she can't speak and tell me her wishes.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Her, Mom, & Me

She was a Her before me. She was Mom before I was born. I am nothing without both. Forty-two years ago, I was due. I envision my mom pacing the floor, anxious, nervous, but mostly excited. I was stubborn and kept her on her toes.  She became a mom the day she found out she was pregnant. I wish I knew exactly when that was. Maybe it was immediately after conception. Maybe it was months. Was she happy? Did she cry?  I know I couldn't possibly know every detail of her life, but I wish I did. I want to fill my memory, my brain with her story, her stories. How did she become who she ... was? How did she become so courageous, tough, and able to endure such pain - physical, mental, emotional? She shared some of her stories that rose enough to the top of her mind, for better or worse. I don't know if I want to know her legacy, her to be remembered by some of her most traumatic experiences. I know several of those. Was her diagnosis a manifestation of one of them? Depression passed dow...
Read more

I Hope You Dance

 7.24.25 It feels like a full day already and it's only noon. I didn't run this morning. Instead, I visited Mom early at 6:15 am. She was alert, eyes open, making noise, and moving her hands. I talked to her gently. Rachel reminded me to say what I need to every time I see her. She could be waiting or spiritually know I haven't said my peace. I'm so grateful for these amazing people. I told mom I love her and that she will always be with me. I also very explicitly said, "You will not be forgotten." One of her fears she shared with me early on in this journey. I told her she was beautiful and it reminded me of Joe Cocker's "You Are So Beautiful" and so I sang it. She winced a little in the face when I began to croon. And I said, "you did not pass down your singing voice." We laughed together. it was short, but it was most definitely a "you got that right" kind of laugh. Then I put on "Always On My Mind" by Willie Nels...
Read more

Mother's Day

The last 2 weeks have been rough. My mom went from living independently to severe headaches to a stage IV cancer diagnosis in 11 days. She is living with us and will begin aggressive treatment on Tuesday. If there’s anything to be learned, it’s to enjoy every moment of joy. We have watched funny movies from our childhood, enjoyed ice cream, identified birds with the Merlin app, binged Four Seasons, eaten every meal together, taken scenic drives, visited Valley View Farms and the Dutch Market for flowers & pie, shared stories and photos, and have tough conversations about death. All this amidst doctors appointments, scans, lung biopsy, a trip to the ER, a scary fall and finalizing details of her will.  Mothers make the world go round. They give birth to us, raise us, and then they need us to be strong. I am so grateful for my mom for all she’s done for me, A LOT. She always put me first. She taught me to be kind and smile at everyone you meet because you never know what they’re ...
Read more